Back to School Tips for Divorced Parents

Transitions are always difficult for divorcing or divorced families, as new schedules and obligations can disrupt mutually agreed-upon rules and practices. Just like summer break, the start of the school year can create issues and questions for parents who are separated or divorced.

Below are some tips to help divorced or separated parents minimize the stress and confusion that often accompany the start of the school year. Here are three to consider discussing.

Let the Teachers and Coaches Know
In order to curtail any confusion and avoid misconceptions, separated or divorced parents should inform teachers (especially those of elementary and middle school-aged children) about their family situation.  Ideally, this should be done via email or phone before the start of the school year so the teacher/coach is told well in advance rather than on the first day of school. The discussion might involve explaining that your children live in two different households (which is why they sometimes need to bring extra clothes to school), as well as why different people are picking them up each day.
You should also be sure to notify the teachers about any significant others that are involved in the children’s lives especially with respect to pick up and drop off at school or daycare. Ensure both parent’s contact information is listed with the school so that in case of an emergency someone will be reached.  This is the time to put any animosity aside and put yourself in your child’s shoes.  If they have an emergency at school or need to be picked up they will want to know it’s taken care of and not that their parents are fighting.

Splitting Costs
If an agreement has been reached, review your settlement agreement as it likely addresses the division of extracurricular costs.  If an agreement has not been reached consider attending mediation to address any outstanding financial issues.  If your child is attending college, keep in mind that many of the costs contemplated by the child support guidelines for children living at home are not covered, such as dorm setup costs and/or a new laptop.

The unpublished decision of  Werosta v. Werosta, 2011 N.J. Super. Unpub. LEXIS 2237, discusses child related costs, the court stated:  “A divorced parent is not bound indefinitely to pay the costs of all extracurricular activities that the other parent chooses for the children. Neither parent may unreasonably withhold agreement, but where an activity is unusually costly or inappropriate for other reasons, and it is not unreasonable for a parent to disapprove the expense or activity, the parent who nevertheless insists on that activity should bear the cost.” Consider using an app to track expenses in order to minimize an arguments over finances, such as OurFamilyWizard.com or ExExpense.com.

Shared Calendar
Unless you have a very antagonistic relationship with your ex, you should try to attend important school events together. This includes special events/activities like dropping your kids off on the first day of school, attending band or orchestra concerts, cheering at sporting events, and visiting the teacher for parent-teacher conferences. It is important that you both feel like you are in the loop, and that your children feel you are both equally interested in their academic success and extracurricular activities.

If you really can’t stand to be around each other, try to alternate attending events every-other time. But, for the sake of the children. Having both parents in attendance for these important school milestones is what is best for them.  A good way to keep each other informed is to start a shared Google calendar for school-related events. Failing to keep your ex informed of important school events, either intentionally or unintentionally, will only cause greater problems for you and your children, so it is imperative to come up with a communication plan that works for all of you to avoid unnecessary conflict.

It is my hope that these suggestions will help make the back-to-school season as easy and stress-free as possible for you and your family. Contact Jessica N. Mazur at jmazur@hoaglandlongo.com or call 732-545-4717.

His Girlfriend Isn't Allowed Near His Kids and Here's Why

His Girlfriend Isn't Allowed Near His Kids and Here's Why...

When should a divorce agreement have restrictions on parties having an overnight with a significant other during their parenting time? Judge Jones takes up the mantle of clarifying the appropriate circumstances for DeVita restraints in his recent published decision.

In Mantle v. Mantle, the parties voluntarily agreed to keep their children away from their respective boyfriend or girlfriend.  I have encountered a few cases where the parties agree to this kind of restriction.  The restraints always seem like a good idea at first, especially when you're in the middle of a divorce and moving onto another relationship is the furthest thing from your mind.  But when you move on and your significant other has not, what then?  How do you get the restraints lifted? 

Seeing as the case law on this subject has not been addressed in detail since 1976 in DeVita v. DeVita, the timing was right for Judge Jones to tackle the issue.

In DeVita, the Husband argued that a restriction on having an overnight visit with his girlfriend in the presence of his children was an impingement on his constitutional right to privacy.  The Appellate Division affirmed the trial court’s decision, reasoning that the mother’s concern over the moral welfare of her children being endangered by the presence overnight of a female friend in the father's household was likely shared by the broader community and that it was in the children's best interest to restrict the girlfriend from being in the children's presence overnight.  DeVita from that point on somehow became the benchmark for every future attempt of a party to restrict an ex’s girlfriend or boyfriend from being around their kids.

Judge Jones, in reviewing the DeVita decision, said that DeVita did not establish a rule approving such restraints, but that the Appellate Division in DeVita simply confirmed the trial court decision because it had not been wrong in allowing such restraints given the circumstances.

In coming to this conclusion, Judge Jones looked to the reported decisions of other trial courts who have grappled with DeVita. In Kelly v. Kelly, 217 N.J. Super. 147 ( Ch. Div. 1986), Judge Clyne allowed a divorced father in a post-judgment situation to have overnight visitation despite the presence of his girlfriend, using the logic that DeVita was a pre-judgment matter where emotions were still raw and the social circumstances new to the children.   

Judge Jones then set down factors a trial court should consider as to whether DeVita restraints should be invoked: 

1) How long have the parties been living separately?

2) How old is the child?

3) How long is the dating relationship?

4) Does the child know the dating partner?

5) Has the child been introduced to other dating partners of either party?

6) Does the child have any emotional or psychological problems?

7) Are there any facts about this dating partner that indicates there is a danger of harm?

Judge Jones finally concluded that DeVita gives the trial court authority to decide these matters and that the vague agreement of the parties has to first consider the best interests of the child and then legitimate social needs of the parties.  The Judge accordingly expanded the general prohibitions in the parties’ agreement.  He called for a six-month moratorium on exposing the child to a new dating partner, beginning with the couple's separation in October 2014.  After six months, but before 12 months, the parties may introduce the child to new dating partners, but that person may not stay overnight when the child is present.  After 12 months, the parties are free to have a dating partner stay overnight when the child is present, Jones ordered.  For more information see the article written in the Law Journal on the decision.

The take-away: a restriction of this nature should consider both the best interests of the child and the needs of the parties.

If you have questions regarding modifying restrictions in your settlement agreement, you can contact me at jmazur@hoaglandlongo.com or at 732-545-4717 x3859.